ADHD, Impulsivity and the Missing Pieces of Understanding

When people think about ADHD, they often picture distraction, hyperactivity, or impulsivity. But behind these visible behaviours there is often something deeper — a difference in how the world is understood and organised internally.

Many years ago, when I was a deputy boarding housemaster at an independent British secondary school, I witnessed an incident that illustrates this very clearly.

It was a routine evening in the boarding house: bed linen changing night, something that happened every couple of weeks. Each pupil had to take their dirty linen to the laundry room and collect a clean set. The house assistant (matron) had a careful system — ticking each boy off the register as they passed through with their dirty linen, and again when they returned with clean sheets. (This system ensured that boys couldn’t simply collect a clean set of linen while leaving their dirty set hidden in their dormitory wardrobes, to avoid the trouble of fetching it.)

It was a busy and pressured process.

One teenage boy in the house — who was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years later — was feeling particularly unsettled that week. His phone had been confiscated four days earlier after he used it in class without permission. According to school rules, confiscated phones were returned after four days, and he knew the time had come.

He approached the house assistant and asked:

"Please can I have my phone back?"

She replied:

"Yes — but I'm busy with bed linen right now. Come back in ten minutes and I'll give it to you then."

Two minutes later, he returned.

"Please can I have my phone back?"

She repeated:

"I told you — I'm busy right now. Come back in ten minutes."

Two minutes later, he came back again.

"Please can I have my phone back?"

This time, the house assistant — already under stress — snapped:

"I've told you twice now — I'm up to my eyes in the bed linen process. Don't disturb me again until I've finished! You coming back every two minutes is only slowing me down and making it longer before you get your phone!"

Later that evening, the boy wrote an anguished email to his academic tutor. The central message was heartbreaking:

Everybody hates me.

All the adults keep snapping at me for no reason.

My house assistant really, really hates me.

I don't know what to do.

From his perspective, the situation felt confusing and painful. He had asked politely. He had done nothing wrong. Yet the adult had become angry with him.

From the adult's perspective, his behaviour seemed unreasonable and irritating.

Both viewpoints made sense — but they were based on very different internal understandings of the situation.

The Hidden Challenge Behind ADHD

At Davis, we often see ADHD not simply as a problem of attention or behaviour, but as a difference in how certain foundational life concepts become integrated into thinking.

Some of the most important of these concepts include:

• Time

• Sequence

• Order

• Cause and effect

These ideas may seem obvious to most people, but they form a hidden framework that allows us to navigate daily life.

In the situation above:

• To understand the difference between two minutes and ten minutes, you need a clear internal sense of time.

• To understand why the phone could only be returned after the bed linen process, you need sequence and order.

• To understand why a stressed adult might snap — and what could be done differently next time — you need cause and effect.

Without these concepts fully integrated into thinking, situations like this can feel arbitrary and unfair.

The Role of Imagination

Many individuals with ADHD have exceptionally vivid imaginations. Their inner world can be creative, engaging and richly detailed.

However, the imaginative world does not operate according to the rules of:

• Time

• Sequence

• Order

• Cause and effect

When a child spends large amounts of time absorbed in imagination — which is often a strength — these practical life concepts may not become as firmly established as they do for others.

The result is not a lack of intelligence or motivation.

It is simply a different developmental pathway.

From Confusion to Control

In the Davis Mastery for Attention Programme, we help individuals master these foundational life concepts in a way that is concrete, creative and meaningful.

Clients learn these concepts:

• in plasticine clay

• through guided experience

• and in real-life application

The goal is for these ideas to become central and automatic parts of thinking, rather than abstract rules imposed from outside.

When this happens, individuals often gain:

• Greater control over impulsive behaviour

• Better task management

• Improved social understanding

• More successful interactions with adults and peers

• Increased confidence and self-direction

Most importantly, they gain choice — the ability to understand situations and decide how they want to respond.

A Different Interpretation

Looking back, that boarding house incident was not really about a phone.

It was about a mismatch in understanding.

The adult saw impatience and disruption.

The boy experienced confusion and rejection.

With the right support, situations like this can become learning experiences instead of sources of distress.

And when foundational life concepts become fully integrated, individuals with ADHD often discover something powerful:

They are not "difficult." They simply needed the missing pieces of understanding.

Created by Davis® UK & Ireland. Practical tools. Compassionate understanding. Real connection.